Virginia, the Great Horned Owl
photo credit: stevelenzphoto
Great Horned Bloopers
March 21, 2025
EMCEE: Presenting Great Horned Owl Bloopers! Here is your host, everybody's favorite Great Horned Owl, Lena Horn!
LENA: Hello, and welcome to the show. You know, we Great Horned Owls are always on the road, visiting grade schools and national parks. We just love to help teachers and park rangers answer questions about our species, Bubo virginianus. That much you may already know. But what you may NOT have known is that our answers do not always come out precisely as we intended them to. Just like human beings, we can sometimes stumble over our words. And the result can be a real hoot.
And so we decided to put together some outtakes from some of the Q&A sessions that our species has assisted with over the years.
Roll the tape, Vinnie!
[applause]
HOST: It's Bob the Great Horned Owl, folks. Bob, I understand that your species is found throughout all 48 of the continental United States.
BOB: That's right, Tom. We also may be found in Alaska. In fact, the only state in which we cannot be found is Wahaii.
[laughter]
DIRECTOR: CUT!
HOST: Wahaii, Bob?
BOB: Well, I'll be a Great Horned owl pellet!
--
HOST: Can you give us an idea of what the diet is for you Great Horned Owls?
SUE: With pleasure, Lola. You must know then that we dine on rabbits, hares, squirrels, mice, voles -- virtually anything smaller than yours truly. Oh, and, of course, we just SKUV lunks!
DIRECTOR: CUT!
SUE: Sorry, Steve!
DIRECTOR: You skuv lunks, Sue??
HOST: Did you hear that, folks, this owl skuvs lunks!
[laughter]
HOST: But then don't we all?
DIRECTOR: You LOVE SKUNKS, Sue, remember? You LOVE SKUNKS!
SUE: Yes, I'm so sorry.
DIRECTOR: All right, let's take it again from the top.
--
HOST: And are you a migratory species?
ALCAZAR: We Great Horned Owls are generally non-migratory, however our northern populations sometimes head south in winter, whenever there is a fortage of shrewd.
[laughter]
DIRECTOR: CUT!
ALCAZAR: Oh, [bleep]!
DIRECTOR: A fortage of shrewd!?
ALCAZAR: I know, I know.
DIRECTOR: That's "a shortage of food, a shortage of food!"
ALCAZAR: Yes, yes, of course.
DIRECTOR: Let's pick that up at "We Great Horned Owls are..." All right, quiet, everybody, take two!
--
HOST: And what are some nicknames for you Great Horned Owls?
LARRY: Oh, we have quite a few nicknames. Some people call us Tiger Owl, others call us the Winged Tiger, still others call us the Tiger of the Air. But that's just the beginning. They also call us Flying Mousetrap and Weathered Filecat--
[laughter]
DIRECTOR: CUT!
LARRY: Oh, rats!
DIRECTOR: Seriously, Larry? Weathered Filecat?
LARRY: I know, I know. It's Feathered Wildcat!
DIRECTOR: Ya think?
--
HOST: Can you tell us some 'fun facts' about your Great Horned Owl species?
SAMMY: I'd be delighted. Now then, suppose that I were to clench my talons like this?
HOST: Yes?
SAMMY: Do you know that it would take 28 pounds' worth of pressure for you to uncrasp my talons?
HOST: For me to do WHAT?
SAMMY: I screwed that up, didn't I?
[laughter]
HOST: You MIGHT say that.
SAMMY: Unclasp, unclasp my talons.
--
HOST: And what is your favorite habitat?
LUELLA: We are not fussy at all. You can find us in swampland, forests, even deserts. The only areas we avoid are those with positively no trees or brush whatsoever. That is because we need a somewhat private place in which to yaze our run.
[laughter]
What did I say?
HOST: You said you needed a private place in which to yaze your run!
LUCY: In which to raise my YOUNG, my YOUNG! Why can't I get that line?!
--
[applause]
LENA: See? We Great Horned Owls are not perfect after all, are we? Who knew?
I'll never forget the first time I met my husband. I was so nervous, I forgot the words to the Great Horned Owl courtship duet. I kid you not. I was so embarrassed. Finally, my future hubby got tired of waiting for my response call and he had to remind me that the words were "Hoo-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo!" How embarrassing!
Here, why don't you listen to our duet on the way out, starting at the point where I actually figured out the words? I'm the tenor, by the way. The Great Horned Owl male is the one with the bass voice. Strange, isn't it? We females are bigger and heavier than the males, and yet the males are the ones with the bigger voice box! What's up with that, right?
Okay, get ready for the credit roll, Vinnie. One, two, three, and...
FRIAR!
Oh, I mean, FIRE!
[owls calling]
EMCEE: This has been Great Horned Owl Bloopers with Great Horned Owl Lena Horn!
March 21, 2025
EMCEE: Presenting Great Horned Owl Bloopers! Here is your host, everybody's favorite Great Horned Owl, Lena Horn!
LENA: Hello, and welcome to the show. You know, we Great Horned Owls are always on the road, visiting grade schools and national parks. We just love to help teachers and park rangers answer questions about our species, Bubo virginianus. That much you may already know. But what you may NOT have known is that our answers do not always come out precisely as we intended them to. Just like human beings, we can sometimes stumble over our words. And the result can be a real hoot.
And so we decided to put together some outtakes from some of the Q&A sessions that our species has assisted with over the years.
Roll the tape, Vinnie!
[applause]
HOST: It's Bob the Great Horned Owl, folks. Bob, I understand that your species is found throughout all 48 of the continental United States.
BOB: That's right, Tom. We also may be found in Alaska. In fact, the only state in which we cannot be found is Wahaii.
[laughter]
DIRECTOR: CUT!
HOST: Wahaii, Bob?
BOB: Well, I'll be a Great Horned owl pellet!
--
HOST: Can you give us an idea of what the diet is for you Great Horned Owls?
SUE: With pleasure, Lola. You must know then that we dine on rabbits, hares, squirrels, mice, voles -- virtually anything smaller than yours truly. Oh, and, of course, we just SKUV lunks!
DIRECTOR: CUT!
SUE: Sorry, Steve!
DIRECTOR: You skuv lunks, Sue??
HOST: Did you hear that, folks, this owl skuvs lunks!
[laughter]
HOST: But then don't we all?
DIRECTOR: You LOVE SKUNKS, Sue, remember? You LOVE SKUNKS!
SUE: Yes, I'm so sorry.
DIRECTOR: All right, let's take it again from the top.
--
HOST: And are you a migratory species?
ALCAZAR: We Great Horned Owls are generally non-migratory, however our northern populations sometimes head south in winter, whenever there is a fortage of shrewd.
[laughter]
DIRECTOR: CUT!
ALCAZAR: Oh, [bleep]!
DIRECTOR: A fortage of shrewd!?
ALCAZAR: I know, I know.
DIRECTOR: That's "a shortage of food, a shortage of food!"
ALCAZAR: Yes, yes, of course.
DIRECTOR: Let's pick that up at "We Great Horned Owls are..." All right, quiet, everybody, take two!
--
HOST: And what are some nicknames for you Great Horned Owls?
LARRY: Oh, we have quite a few nicknames. Some people call us Tiger Owl, others call us the Winged Tiger, still others call us the Tiger of the Air. But that's just the beginning. They also call us Flying Mousetrap and Weathered Filecat--
[laughter]
DIRECTOR: CUT!
LARRY: Oh, rats!
DIRECTOR: Seriously, Larry? Weathered Filecat?
LARRY: I know, I know. It's Feathered Wildcat!
DIRECTOR: Ya think?
--
HOST: Can you tell us some 'fun facts' about your Great Horned Owl species?
SAMMY: I'd be delighted. Now then, suppose that I were to clench my talons like this?
HOST: Yes?
SAMMY: Do you know that it would take 28 pounds' worth of pressure for you to uncrasp my talons?
HOST: For me to do WHAT?
SAMMY: I screwed that up, didn't I?
[laughter]
HOST: You MIGHT say that.
SAMMY: Unclasp, unclasp my talons.
--
HOST: And what is your favorite habitat?
LUELLA: We are not fussy at all. You can find us in swampland, forests, even deserts. The only areas we avoid are those with positively no trees or brush whatsoever. That is because we need a somewhat private place in which to yaze our run.
[laughter]
What did I say?
HOST: You said you needed a private place in which to yaze your run!
LUCY: In which to raise my YOUNG, my YOUNG! Why can't I get that line?!
--
[applause]
LENA: See? We Great Horned Owls are not perfect after all, are we? Who knew?
I'll never forget the first time I met my husband. I was so nervous, I forgot the words to the Great Horned Owl courtship duet. I kid you not. I was so embarrassed. Finally, my future hubby got tired of waiting for my response call and he had to remind me that the words were "Hoo-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo!" How embarrassing!
Here, why don't you listen to our duet on the way out, starting at the point where I actually figured out the words? I'm the tenor, by the way. The Great Horned Owl male is the one with the bass voice. Strange, isn't it? We females are bigger and heavier than the males, and yet the males are the ones with the bigger voice box! What's up with that, right?
Okay, get ready for the credit roll, Vinnie. One, two, three, and...
FRIAR!
Oh, I mean, FIRE!
[owls calling]
EMCEE: This has been Great Horned Owl Bloopers with Great Horned Owl Lena Horn!
Widespread and loving it!
January 19, 2025
Ladies and gentlemen, it's official. I am the Most Widespread Owl in North America. That's according to the Academy, itself. I just took home the Golden Owl Pellet for the Most Widespread Owl Species in North America. Did you see my acceptance speech? I was very diplomatic. I thanked the Red-tailed Hawk for building all those fine treetop nest platforms for yours truly with all those sticks and whatnot.
Of course, the hawks were burning up when they heard that speech of mine. They were like, "We don't build them for YOU, fool, we build them for ourselves and our own chicks!'
And I'm like, "Finder's keepers, losers weepers."
Listen to the North American Owl Awards ceremony, live from Zimman Field at Tufts University in Medford, Massachusetts!
The Everywhere Owl
December 10, 2024
Let me pull a question from my question jar here to get things rolling. Let's see now...
"Where do I live in North America?"
Hah! That's a good one. Where do I live in North America? Where do I NOT live in North America? We Great Horned Owls are found throughout Canada, Alaska, and the 48 contiguous states. I'm literally everywhere, folks1. You'd have to fly north of Hudson Bay to get away from me for good. But then why would you want to get away from the most powerful owl predator in the west -- unless maybe you were a raccoon or a chicken?
And when I say everywhere, I mean everywhere. Here is a list of some of the diverse habitats that we are known to frequent:
Wetlands, forests, grasslands, backyards, cities...2
We even live in deserts, where we nest in saguaro cacti3. You know what they say: when in Rome, live like the Romans, right? Well, when in the desert, live like the Elf Owl4. That's our motto down in the American Southwest, at least when it comes to housing accommodations.
But, of course, our favorite nesting strategy is to commandeer the previously created treetop platforms of the red-tailed hawk5, a species which is fortunately just as omnipresent in North America as yours truly6. The nest is basically just a pile of sticks, of course, but it's home. Besides, it's not like we could do any better. We owls are basically clueless when it comes to home construction7.
Next question, please? And here we go...
"What are some fun facts about Great Horned Owls?"
Hah! That's another good one! What are some fun facts about Great Horned Owls? What are NOT some fun facts about Great Horned Owls?!!!
No, I'm kidding, folks. I don't even know what I meant by that.
Well, I am known as Tiger Owl, or Tiger of the Sky8, on account of my eagle-like power that allows me to take prey twice my own weight9, that's roundabout 3.5 pounds for yours truly and just 3 pounds for my better half10. This means that we Great Horned Owls can dine on mice, rabbits, birds, reptiles... and even other owls11, to be honest.
But the idea that we are some big threat to cats and dogs is just an urban myth. The actual attacks are very rare and when investigated, tend to involve special circumstances. A cursory Web search that I performed today brought up hundreds of pages of alarmist talk about such attacks, but only two or three cases of actual verified incidents.
Take the pets that were attacked in the small inland town of Gakona, Alaska back in 2013, as reported by Riley Woodford in the online version of the Alaska Fish & Wildlife News.
"In early March, two dogs and a cat in the area were attacked by an owl and several pet rabbits and a dog were found dead, presumed victims of the same raptor.12"
But this is not the typical behavior of a Great Horned Owl. Just ask Steve Lewis of the Fish & Wildlife Service in Juneau, whom Woodford quotes as follows:
“There are Great Horned Owls around almost every community in Alaska and you don’t hear about this. If this was a common event it would be documented more often, and it doesn’t happen a lot.13"
So there.
Lewis goes on to speculate that:
"I suspect there’s something going on with that bird and it wasn’t in good shape, or something was making it hard for it to catch wild prey.14"
See? What did I tell you? You've got to read the articles, folks, not just the headlines.
Spoiler alert: the supposed perpetrator went on to attack an 11-pound terrier in the same town, but the dog escaped with non-fatal injuries, whereas the owl itself was killed by a well-placed canine bite to the neck.
The poor thing!
If you want to talk about threats, let's talk about the threats that human beings pose to my species, through habitat loss, vehicle collisions, power lines, illegal shooting, and pesticides15.
Next question, please.
Let's see here.
"Shouldn't you limit the length of your blog entries so that you keep readers hanging on for more?"
Good point. This is supposed to be a blog instalment, after all, not War and Peace by William Hieronymus Tolstoy III!
So I'll be seeing you soon!
What's that? Where will I be seeing you soon? Where will I NOT be seeing you? I live everywhere in North America, remember?
Editor's note:
Virginia might have added that the Great Horned Owl is found in Mexico16 and Central America as well17, and that her cousin, Bubo virginianus nacurutu, is found in all South American biomes, with the exception of the Amazon Rainforest18.
1: Great Horned Owl Bubo virginianus, St. Louis Zoo
2: Species Spotlight: Great Horned Owl, Cache Creek Conservancy
3: Animal Fact Sheet: Great Horned Owl, Arizona - Sonora Desert Museum
4: Elf Owl, Audubon
5: Great Horned Owl, Hawk Mountain Global Raptor Conservation
6: Red-tailed Hawk - Buteo jamaicensis, Cornell Lab eBird
7: The Enigmatic World of Great-Horned Owl Nesting, Rarest Birds
8: Great Horned Owl Bubo virginianus, The Peregrine Fund
9: Raptor Identification, Hawk Watch International
10: Great Horned Owl Quick Facts, Owl Research Institute
11: The Surprising Diet of Great Horned Owls: What They Really Eat in the Wild, Animal Tips
12: Great Horned Owl Attacks Pets Unusual Incidents in Copper River Valley, Alaska Fish & Wildlife News
13: Great Horned Owl Attacks Pets Unusual Incidents in Copper River Valley, Alaska Fish & Wildlife News
14: Great Horned Owl Attacks Pets Unusual Incidents in Copper River Valley, Alaska Fish & Wildlife News
15: What the great horned owl is afraid of?, Birdful.org
16: Great Horned Owl, iNaturalistMX
17: Great Horned Owl, Friends of Woodland Park
18: South American great horned owl, Wikipedia
copyright 2024 by Brian Quass.
contact: quass@quass.com.